i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize