Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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