So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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