Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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