Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
