Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
