on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
