Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
