I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
