I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
