EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
