I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
