help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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