If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
