I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
