I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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