I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
