you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
