there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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