Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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