Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
