What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Randomize
