This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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