I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
