I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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