What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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