remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
