I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
