If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
do herpes really smell.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize