They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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