just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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