Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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