did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
i need to put some appletini on your dick
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
