Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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