Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
