you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
