she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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