What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
