Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize