I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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