Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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