took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
