I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
