Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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