watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
