would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
