My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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