i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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