Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
