So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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