I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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