If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
