Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
