i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
