Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
