im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
