tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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