my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
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