I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
