Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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