UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
