So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
