I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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