The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
It's rum buckets o'clock
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
